my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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