When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
