even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize