OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
