she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I supernannyed him into submission
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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