i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize