oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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