If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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