smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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