I want to have your abortion
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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