Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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