I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize