my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
