I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
