theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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