cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
