I faked an abortion last night.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize