I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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