Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
