Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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