My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize