I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
