Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
