I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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