There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize