i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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