i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize