Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
