I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
