my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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