I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
accomplished twins. life is a go
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
