i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
