just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
