So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
