Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
