Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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