I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
