she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
