He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
