I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
