Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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