she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
