yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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