sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize