You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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