pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
