Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
