Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so let's talk penis.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
