dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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