then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
