Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
