You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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