woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
