You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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