I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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