I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
