every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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