he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
