My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
