My hand turned me down
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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