no, he came in my armpit
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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