About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He shit in the fireplace
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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