Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
