I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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