Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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