do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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