Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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